I need a hobby.

Preferably one that will be fun.

I don’t know how to have fun by myself.

I can have all kinds of fun with other people, but it never translates to self-play. I blame this on the pandemic. I’m just tired of me.

My self-talk is far too loud and far too toxic for me to enjoy my own presence. It wasn’t always like this. As a kid I loved to play by myself. Before my sisters were old enough to play with, I had no choice but solo play in the childless void that was my neighborhood. Around twelve or thirteen I stopped being able to have fun by myself—ironically around the time that I started to have school friends to hang out with.

Not to get too esoteric and more navel gazing, I am still able to enjoy my own company, but not with any sort of activity more organized than scrolling through social media. I cannot enjoy any sort of activity by myself. I have several activities that I talk about on this blog that could easily become an enjoyable hobby—drawing, playing guitar, songwriting, coding, writing screenplays and teleplays, riding a bicycle, etc. But I have poisoned these wells thoroughly by letting the toxic sludge of perfectionism and comparison ooze in. As the problematic, but wise Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Or as the also problematic Jeremy D. Nichols said, “Where perfectionism touches no joy may be found.”

He really is problematic. He was racist and jingoistic by the standards of his day.

I suppose that I could go and pick out every piece of perfectionism and comparison out of these activities and turn one of them into a hobby, but I cannot think of a more tedious and joyless activity than that. The damage is done. Forget them as hobbies and move on. So, what do I do? Here are a few hobbies that I have taken on over the years:

1. Reading. My only hobby for years. Unfortunately my ability to read from a page is basically dead since the pandemic started. Hopefully it will return soon—I miss reading. I’m not a huge audiobook fan—I feel that I retain almost nothing from that form of reading. I still listen to audiobooks, but it’s just not the same.

2. Cigar and pipe collecting. I quit smoking tobacco of any form in October 2013, and I do not have any desire to ever smoke again. Pipes are very pricey. Far too pricey when I don’t have a 25% employee discount.

   

3. Cooking. I used to love to cook. It was a real joy to me. Having cooked for a living, cooking will never be a source of enjoyment ever again. Except for the food. The food is still good.

4. Painting. In the 90s I bought very cheap art supplies—poster paint, cardboard, and construction paper and began to paint. I had no art instruction past sixth grade. I painted abstract shapes and nudes. Store brand Barbies were my figure models. It was fun. I’m not sure why I quit. I never cared if I was good, and I genuinely had a good time. I won’t be pursuing this hobby for a while. I refuse to buy any more art supplies—I have tons of drawing gear, and I will use it before I begin a new art project, dammit!

5. Boxing. Honestly, this is a future hobby. When the pandemic is no longer raging

6. Fishing. Boring as hell. I tried fly fishing—expensive and boring as hell.

   

   I met Dave Barry once. He signed a book. He’s left-handed like me.

7. Crossword puzzles. I used to have the knack for these, and one day it went away. At my best, I was never as good as my friend Mark. Mark has an amazing streak (1955 days or 5.35 years) of finishing the New York Time Crossword. And as you can see below, he’s wicked fast at it. Barely over half an hour on average. If my life and the life of Jennifer required me to solve the NYT Crossword in half an hour, I think that my will to save Jennifer would get me to solve by 29:59. Maybe.

   

   I have not even gotten out of bed for 1955 days straight.

   Mark is a full-time senior application engineer, he is also a talented graphic designer and photographer. He has a very cool side project called WilderPix Photography where he makes trading cards for pets.

   Here is a link: WilderPix Trading Cards

   

   This one stars Mark’s beloved bloodhound, Roscoe P. Coltrane. He’s a good boy, if a bit slobbery.

   Go get a trading card of your cat or dog!

8. Cemetery tourism. When I was broke and living in Los Angeles I would wrangle my friend Allison to go to cemeteries with me. And if she was unavailable, I would take public transit or even bicycle. This was in the early days of the internet, and armed with printouts from Find a Grave dot com I would go hang out by the graves of such luminaries as Dean Martin, Marilyn Monroe, Jimmy Stewart, and Easy-E (his grave is very hard to find, btw). I have done a bit of this here in Chicago with my friend Wally, who is a funerary historian. I will always try to go when invited by Wally, but this is not really my hobby any longer. I am only casually informed about mortuary and funerary history, and don’t feel like leveling up, honestly. I mostly like to see the graves of famous or infamous people. That seems like several enjoyable outings, but not a full-fledged hobby.

Sleep tight, Norma Jean.

These are a few hobbies that I have considered and then decided against.

1. Irish road bowling. Pros: An outside sport. Looks fun. I would get a bit of exercise. Can be played alone or with others. Cons: No place to safely play in all of Chicago—I don’t want to damage any cars or property. I would need a car to get to the country lanes that would be devoid of cars.

   

   It also looks like an opportunity for self-braining.

2. Disc golf. My best friend back in Texas absolutely loves playing Frisbee Golf or Disc Golf or Folf (shudder). He is in great shape now. Michael has a hobby that can be pursued alone or with friends. He’s having a great time. It’s a great hobby for him. Unfortunately for me it’s a hobby that requires a car. At least it does if you live in Chicago. There is exactly one disc golf course in the entire city. It is flat and small with only nine holes. It is also relatively far by public transit. Greater Chicagoland has many courses, but none that are easily accessible by public transit. Add this to the list of many reasons why I want a car when I have a job that can pay for one.

   

   When I played with my friend, I learned that the discs are analogous to golf clubs with drivers, mid-ranged irons, and putters.

3. Home brewing beer. No. Jennifer would divorce me. I am forbidden to home brew beer. The funny thing is that she recently told me it was okay if I wanted to pursue this. Not as a “hall pass” for this hobby, but because I had suggested a hobby so terrible that it was according to Jen, it was “. . .a hobby as cry for help”. We cannot remember what my suggested hobby was, only that it was truly awful. Please help us recall in the comments.

   Sorry to my home brewing friends if you think that we are demeaning your hobby—no, it’s fine for y’all, but it is completely the wrong kind of hobby for me. It would make me absolutely joyless and miserable. I already have cooking to be obsessed with but hate, and Jennifer knew that home brewing was more of the same for me. She’s no fool.

   

   Not for Germy.

4. Collecting and trading guitars. Not just no, but hell no! Way too expensive. There is no inexpensive way to enter this hobby. And the one thing I do not have is excess money. This is a rich man’s hobby.

   

   This is an amazing collection. I’ll bet the owner is a dick. 100%

5. Target shooting. No. I’m bipolar with pretty chronic suicidal ideation. No guns (even if I could buy one legally). Also ammo is scarce (and expensive) due to hoarding (in case Obama confiscates it).

   

   Even a gun this dorky looking can be deadly to me.

Help me find a new hobby:

1. I need one that is not too expensive to enter into. Golf or polo are out.

2. I need one that does not require driving to the suburbs regularly. No rugby, I suppose.

3. I need one that doesn’t have a steep learning curve. Not very much of a curve at all, actually. This is my problem with musical instruments as a hobby. They are too hard for a perpetual beginner like myself to enjoy. I know the path to getting good is to suck at something until I am good, but that is a hard row to hoe.

4. I would prefer something that can be done indoors or out. Keep in mind that I live in Chicago, and that is currently 21F. This is a relatively warm day this week. I don’t want a hobby that I must perform outdoors in January, but I would love one where I may enjoy it out of doors in April.

Jennifer has a hobby that she thinks is right up my alley, and I will talk all about it next week. Until then, please let me know what you think either in the comments or by sending me an email.

Please keep my poor mom in your thoughts and prayers. Almost a year ago was the trip to the emergency room that led to her being hospitalized and in skilled nursing for six months. She is in the emergency room again. This time she is having trouble breathing. Her limbs are very swollen. She cannot sit up or stand. Her oxygen saturation was in the low eighties while on 3L of oxygen. Her extremities were jerking and she was not acting like her normal self. So my sister called 911 and they took her to the local emergency room. Again, please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

Thank you, as always, for reading.

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