I’m struggling. Pandemic 2.0 is really bringing me down, y’all. At least I got a little bump from seeing friends and family in Texas. If not for that trip home, I would really be down in the dumps. I’ll be o.k., just having a hard time getting anything moving in my life. Nothing new there. I’m seeing my therapist weekly, and I have a psychiatrist that I can mostly tolerate. I’m not doing great physically, but I have a new primary care doctor that seems great. I’m doing the best that I can.
And yes, I’m on my meds. I’m forty-eight years old, but I immediately turn into a sullen teenager when someone has the audacity to ask me if I’m on my meds. I get angry, and I let the other person know it. And I don’t get just a little angry when people ask me—I hulk the fuck out on them!
Why do I get so furious when people ask such a simple question? Aren’t they showing concern?
It’s not a simple question—it’s a seriously leading question.
They are not showing actual concern. They are concern trolling. For those of y’all that don’t know what concern trolling is, I provide a definition below.
The question is not ever, “You seem to be doing well, are you on your meds?” Instead, it is always, “Your behavior is not pleasing to me, are you on your meds?” I have never, outside of a psychiatrist’s office been asked a question about my meds that was not a backhanded way to tell me that I was not behaving how the person in question wanted me to. Like I said, it is always a leading question. An accusatory question, even.
The reason that I know that people who ask about my meds status are concern trolling and not showing concern for me is the fact that in over 25 years of taking psychotropic medications these questions of genuine concern are never asked before or after:
Questions of Genuine Concern
How are you feeling?
Are you sleeping ok?
Are you hungry or thirsty?
How’s your health been lately?
Do you have enough (money, food, a safe place to stay, gas)?
Is there something that is weighing on you?
Is your work a safe environment?
Is there anything that you need that you’re afraid to ask for?
I have been asked if I was on my meds hundreds of times by friends, foes, lovers, close family members, employers, co-workers, teachers, and clinicians of all stripes. Never once was I asked any of the questions above. People don’t ask if you are on your meds to show that they care, they do it to check off a box that tells them that they don’t have to deal with you fairly. The question reeks of stigma. If you are not on your meds, they can disregard you for not “taking responsibility for your care”. If you are on your meds, they can disregard you because you are “having a bad day” or that “your meds are not working” and so they don’t really have to listen to you. By the way, I’m not talking about reminding a forgetful loved one (with their permission) to take their meds today. “Did you take your meds today?” is not the same question as “Are you on your meds?”
If you never learn anything from reading this blog, remember this:
Never ask anyone if they are on their psych meds. Ever.
There is one exception:
If you are given the right to ask this question by a trusted loved one after you have asked them at least half of the questions of actual concern above.
And only if this right was not coerced by you; preferably it was their idea.
When it is appropriate to ask the question is something that y’all will have to determine. Only in emergencies? Only when the person has an extended “off” period? When the person is behaving out of character? You will need to decide this.
A personal example,
The only person in my life that is allowed to ask me this question is Jennifer.
Period.
Not one other person.
And the reason why is because she is the only person who has asked me questions of genuine concern instead of my meds status over the course of our relationship. She also would only ask about meds in a genuine psychiatric crisis, not necessarily to discuss with me, but as information to give my doctors and other caregivers. She also knows how dehumanized and othered I feel when people ask me if I’m on my meds, thus she she would only ask in an emergency.
I was going to write a post about needing a new hobby, and instead I ranted about people presumptuously asking about whether I took my meds or not. Recently someone asked me if I was on my meds. This is a person that should presumably know better, and I let them have it. I told them that they are absolutely forbidden to ask me about meds ever again. (I’ve already begged and told this person countless times to never ask about my meds again.) We’ll see if they remember. I doubt it. Why this is on my mind today is a mystery.
Next week we are talking hobbies.
Thank you, as always, for reading.
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