Writing myself off of the ledge.
Metaphorically, of course.
Content Warning: Talk about self harm and intrusive negative thoughts.
Earlier today I wrote the final post for this blog. I was in my feelings about a disagreement about an argument that Jennifer and I had earlier in the day. I was also still feeling upset by the drop in perceived numbers that this wonky and unsatisfactory blogging platform dropped on me last week.
When I feel sorry for myself, I lash out at me. I lash out at me for even having self pity. And for a while this morning I wanted to destroy something that I cared about to punish myself for feeling thoughts that I cannot abide. The thought being that if I punish myself strongly enough for feeling these revolting thoughts, maybe I won’t have them again.
I was about to hit publish, but I decided to send a draft to my friend Tiffany. Most of y’all know Tiffany is a good friend of the blog. Most weeks Tiffany reads over the newsletter before I send it out to y’all. Not as an editor or a proofreader—though I do ask her to let me know of any glaring errors. She reads it over as a trusted friend, to see if the overall tone and themes work. To give encouragement and feedback. To help keep my imposter syndrome and rejection sensitive dysphoria at bay long enough for me to hit the “Publish” button. It’s a very important part of getting this newsletter written every week. Tiffany is an old friend who has become a very dear friend since the pandemic began. We talk almost every day. We support each other and make each other laugh. When I was back in Texas last year, our daily walks were so nice and helped me in so many ways. I am so glad that Tiffany has moved to Chicago so that we can see one another in person again. Not often enough, but more than when we were a thousand miles apart.
As you all know, I am a staunch atheist, but please send your thoughts and prayers to Tiffany and her family. They have just gotten some terrible health news about a loved one, and they could use all of the support we can give. Thank you for taking the time to do this.
This has been an incredibly bad week for my mental health. I do feel like I am slowly climbing out of this current depressive phase. I am at the point where I have more energy and executive function, but I am also having more negative and intrusive thoughts. I have them when I am at the nadir of depression, but they are muted, and honestly not a danger to me. I couldn’t muster up the energy to get dressed in outside clothes for a month, so I could not be expected to have enough energy for self harm. Before I go any further—I do not have any plans for hurting myself and most of my negative thoughts are just thoughts, thoughts that I can mostly ignore, but the feelings of hopelessness and being worthless are very real and debilitating right now.
My thoughts tend toward the morbid even when I am not depressed and lately I have been feeling even more gloomy. Is my life almost over? Will I ever complete anything of substance. What of my grand plans? Do I even have grand plans anymore? Did I miss my many boats? Why can’t I ever finish anything? Why am I such a piece of shit?
You get the idea.
I’m going to wrap this up for the week. But I did have a bit of insight that I have been chewing on since therapy yesterday. “I’ve got to start being a lot more kind to myself. My whole adult life, I have had a full-blown mental health crisis that lasts for a few months at least three to four times a year and I spend the rest of my time trying to recover from these crises, how the hell am I supposed to get anything done?” As always, my self-talk needs to be far more gentle. If hating myself can’t make me thin, rich, or healthy, why do I keep thinking it will make me happy as well? Thank you friends for reading and also for the many lovely comments, emails, and Twitter dm’s. It means the world to me.
Thank you, as always, for reading.
Drop me a line: jeremydnichols@tooearlyoldtoolatesmart.com
Follow me on Twitter: @jeremydnichols
Follow me on Instagram: @germynickels
My PayPal: PayPal for Jeremy Nichols
Discord server: Too Late Smart Newsletter Server
Jeremy’s Guitar Fiasco: Jeremy's Guitar Fiasco
Email for Jeremy’s Guitar Fiasco: jeremy@jeremysguitarfiasco.com
Twitter for Jeremy’s Guitar Fiasco: @guitarfiasco
Facebook group for Jeremy’s Guitar Fiasco: @jeremysguitarfiasco
YouTube Channel: Jeremy's Guitar Fiasco
TikTok: germynickels
Just logging in to say I read every thing you post, in my email, without ever logging in. I bet there is a crowd doing the same. I just wanted to thank you and let you know.
Virtual hugs to you, and to Tiffany... feels like a very long season of struggle, and it's hard to give ourselves grace.