As long as the internet has existed there have been people who think that learning to code is the pinnacle of human achievement. That all of the ills of the world, global, local, and personal can be solved, “If (you/your mom/Kim Jong Un/literally everyone on the planet) just learned to code.” Programming was seen as the panacea that marijuana is for a certain type of way out there weed smoker—“Man if all of the world’s leaders would just kick back and smoke a joint together, we wouldn’t have anymore war. Think about it.” Instead of supporting all workers’ rights to a living wage, the brogrammers say, “Learn to code.” You lost your job, because the factory in your town left as soon as the tax subsidy ended? “Learn to code.” You can’t afford your insulin because a drug invented over a hundred years ago is being price gouged hundreds of times over the cost to produce? “Learn to fucking code.” Earlier this year, Buzzfeed, Huffington Post and other outlets laid off large amounts of staff, including writers and journalists. The alt-right fucksticks that circlejerk on 4chan to hentai and Pepe the Frog memes coordinated Twitter attacks on journalists who lost their jobs—especially the women and members of marginalized communities. Hundreds and hundreds of tweets and direct messages like this:
Not a real tweet. I don’t want to amplify these pricks in any way.
I hate those guys so much that I want to tell everyone of them individually to go fuck themselves and to learn how to speak to human beings. Maybe take a shower, once a week or so while they’re at it. Then maybe I will learn to code.
I never want to give these jagoffs any credit, and I don’t think that they have a point in telling highly educated and skilled people that they are worthless to capitalism unless they learn to code. But there is value in learning to code. Economic value, sure. A well-paid skill is worth learning—if you want to work in that field. There is also the value in learning how computers work, learning how to use logic and problem solving while building something that has never been seen before. This is value unrelated to the vicissitudes of the job market that these brain-dead suckwads are immune to. Immune because they they still live in their childhood bedrooms—bunk beds, Sailor Moon posters, tee ball participation trophies and all. Enough about why I don’t want to learn to code.
Because, I really want to learn to code.
I haven't programmed in earnest since sixth grade when I learned BASIC and Logo. I never picked programming back up when I was in junior high or high school, and by the time I got to college, I was firmly ensconced in the liberal and fine arts.
Before I went to college the second time I became very interested in computers and the internet, and I decided that I wanted to learn how to code then. I enrolled in a programming for beginners class. I paid attention in class, took scrupulous notes, and asked pertinent questions, aced all of the quizzes, but I could never even complete the first practical assignment we were given to do in Turbo Pascal. I ended up dropping the class and selling the book back to the bookstore for way less than I paid for it. Disheartened by how poorly I fared in that class I gave up on programming and found other interests to occupy my time. Let me tell you kids about the tens of dollars to be made in the arts!
I didn’t think about programming for a few years. I began to think that coding was for people that were so much smarter than I, that they may as well be wizards.
Then I had a job where I worked with actual programmers. Most of them were very bright, but not all of them. Some of them were dumb programmers. Really dumb. Well-compensated dolts who had a specialized skill that I didn’t. I then started to think that maybe coding was like having perfect pitch, an innate talent, and that some people have the ability and some don’t, and that I was one of the those who lack the ability. I didn’t think about coding for a few more years.
I like to think of myself as an autodidact—this quest is basically just taking the idea of self-learning to a place of utter ridiculousness. That said, I’m not great at motivating myself when I don’t have a goal. And that is why I have decided to program an app or game by this time next year. I need something tangible to strive for. You see, I have tried to learn to code so many times with the wonderful free resources that are available online, programs that are just begging for me to learn to code, but after a couple of weeks I give up. But I’ve learned enough with Codeacademy and other programs like it to know that I can learn to code. I just have to persist. Persistence is the watchword for this entire project I am undertaking, but especially with learning to code.
I have a couple of things to figure out before I get started. Like, for instance, which language? I’m leaning toward Python, and after I have a good grasp of that also learning Swift, so that I can program specifically for iOS, but I really don’t know. So, if you or someone you trust knows a lot about programming, please feel free to drop me a line at jeremydnichols@gmail.com
Now, what is a win for this challenge going to look like?
Having enough proficiency in a programming language to be able to code a functioning app or game.
Not a world-changing app that everyone in the world downloads, but that would be good enough to pass muster the fairly rigorous standards on the Apple App Store.
To create a product that I would not be embarrassed to sell for actual money.
Jennifer was once friends with a gifted guitar teacher and player, and he used to say that the best way to get good was to start playing for money, and that is why I have given myself this challenge. I want to be good enough at programming to have a salable product in a calendar year. I definitely have my work cut out for me. I’m giving myself about a week to decide my course of action with this goal, and then I will devote probably the largest block of time to this endeavour. Wish me luck.
I wrote my first program, and I dedicate it to all of the “Just learn to code” jagoffs: