The Preamble That Begat a Ramble
Wherein I write an intro that is the same length as the body of the post, reread it, and determine that I wrote two posts.
This piece was originally supposed to be the preamble to a longer piece about finishing a web series, but it changed and grew, and became its own piece. Please enjoy.
“The trick isn’t becoming a writer. The trick is staying a writer.”
Harlan Ellison (1934 - 2018)
For over two years I have a had a webseries idea kicking around. Anyone who has talked to me in real life during that time has undoubtedly been given my elevator pitch. Probably more than once.
I have written a pilot episode, and have two more that are about halfway finished. And there I have stalled. For two years.
I pick it up regularly, but quickly put it down. I don’t know why, because I find the idea interesting and fun, the characters compelling, and the possibilities for building a series out, almost limitless. But I’m just stuck. The ideas are there, but attempting to take ideas down to the paper (or computer screen) makes them suddenly fly away, and the only way they can be brought back is to pull them out of the air and wrestle them, reluctantly, to the ground. And that shit is hard to do.
For most of my life, I’ve felt that I had some form of writer’s block. I was crippled by the thought that all of my ideas were bad or uninteresting. Banal. Boring.
For many years, decades even, the thought that I had nothing interesting or original to say kept me from ever putting myself out there, that maybe “they” will not like what I make. I do not think that my ideas are universally terrible any longer. Nor that I will be judged poorly by the nebulous “they” for even having them, much less turning these ideas into something tangible. I used to have an intense fear of, get this, wasting people’s valuable entertainment time. I thought this, in a world where there exist countless reality shows that are just a repackaging of MTV’s The Real World, and where there are at least two cooking shows based on the act of grocery shopping. A world where TMZ befouls the broadcast waves. Seriously, being banal is not something I need to fear!
It’s not that I never have self-doubt, it’s just that I have a secret weapon to defeat it. A mantra to repeat. A litany against fear. A magical turn of phrase to banish the inner critic and the imaginary “they”. You see, Jennifer taught me a valuable phrase for when I doubt whether an idea is good enough:
“ALF was a real show, yall.”
Jennifer Peepas (1974 - )
Think about it, a blatant E.T. rip-off starring a phallus-faced puppet with a strong hankering for the flesh of house cats ran for over three seasons. Careers and reputations were built upon that show. Many houses were purchased with the money from ALF, fleets of fancy cars, and I guarantee you, at least one yacht. Educations were paid for and substantial wills bequeathed by the heirs of the people involved with that show. Your dream is not too absurd, and your idea is not too ridiculous: ALF was a real show, y’all.
No longer plagued by self-doubt when it comes to my ideas, I often feel stymied in my attempts to execute them. To actually finish the damned things. Forever I have thought that my huge fear of failure and rejection was the stumbling block to my creative output. I do not think this any longer.
I think that most creative people, especially writers, are haunted by self doubt. And that the way successful ones fight that self doubt is through regular practice and sustained effort. That sustained effort is the key that unlocks their talent. They treat writing like the difficult job that it often is. What makes a one a writer instead of a wannabe like me is this commitment to sustained effort.
I think is that I have an allergy to sustained effort. That I have a deep-seated belief that anything that smacks of effort is not worth bothering with. That only things that come easy and effortlessly are where real talent lies. No matter how hard I have tried I have never been able to destroy this belief. At this point, I believe that it is in my very DNA, and that I need to learn how to overpower this belief and bend it to my will, to make it subservient to a better belief. The belief that sustained effort is the key to lasting value. That in order to have the excellence I crave in my life, I will have to do the grunt work, the drudgery, the time with my butt in the seat and my hands on the keys typing away.
One of the main reasons why I am doing this project is to teach myself the value of perseverance and sustained effort. This is lesson I should have learned long ago, maybe. But I am also trying to free myself from the tyranny of “should”. “Should” is a way to derail myself, to let perfectionism and doubt get a toehold. To let myself wallow in shame. To revisit all of the times in my life where I should have done something different. Much like I tried to quit my addiction to cigarettes, I tried to quit my addiction to “should” cold turkey. Unfortunately, both are sticky habits, and cold turkey does not always work. Luckily, almost six years ago, I read a magical book*** that helped me to conquer my addiction to smoking. I’m not sure how it worked, but it completely took away my desire to smoke, and instead gave me real joy in being a nonsmoker. It removed my craving for nicotine and replaced it with near revulsion at the thought of ever smoking again. I am hoping that sustained effort will, like the book, make achievement replace “should” in my mind.
Thank you for the very long digression. I feel that I am like one of those recipe blogs where a recipe for ice water has to have one-thousand words about all of the great glasses of ice water in their life and how their Grammy Jo used to give them ice water after a long day of playing in the backyard treehouse. Sorry.
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***If you wish to stop smoking, read “The EasyWay to Stop Smoking” by Allen Carr. An inexpensive used copy should be easy to find on Amazon or in your favorite used book store.