As I sit down to write this I am waiting for a call on whether I get the job that I interviewed for on Monday. I have never had an interview that close to a major holiday and the folks that I interviewed with thanked me for coming in on a holiday week. I thanked them for having me interview with them regardless of the week—I really need work. We aren’t circling the drain just yet, but we cannot go much longer without more income coming from me. I hope that my anxious mien read as the genuine eagerness for starting the job that I was interviewing for and not the desperation underpinning it. The fact is that I would very much like the job that I interviewed for. I would be part of a small team of really cool people that I liked immediately. My training, education, and personal story of recovery would be called upon daily. I would be working to encourage people with substance use disorders to seek longer term treatment within the organization. I would telling my own story of mental health recovery and to a lesser extent my own recovery from substances and alcohol. Since about seventy percent of people with substance use disorders have co-occurring mental health disorders I feel that I will build good rapport with these folks quickly. They are my people after all.
It would be a challenging job in a lot of ways. This program is in a general hospital setting with people who are active users of drugs and alcohol who have become sick enough with other ailments to be hospitalized. These are seriously ill people regardless of whether they use substances or not. They may have absolutely no interest in ceasing their drug use and indeed may be unhappily going through detox in addition to being very ill. Many people will not want to talk to yet another person after seeing doctors, nurses, technicians, social workers, respiratory therapists etc. They may just want to rest and recuperate—which I understand completely. Even if they are willing to talk to me they may be ambivalent about stopping or even moderating their substance use. They may have absolutely no interest in quitting substances full stop and that may very well be a common response to me. These people are self-medicating pain and trauma and a short stay in the hospital is barely a band aid on these gaping wounds. I need to be prepared to not take “no” personally. Which is easier said than done with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), but I feel that I will have far more people that are willing to talk with me than I will have rejections. Take the “no” and move on to the next person who needs help will be my constant affirmation.
Because this job is funded by state and federal grants, the paperwork is copious and exacting. The pay listed on the job posting is very low, but the recruiter told me that I could probably negotiate for more. I’m so lower working class in my mindset that I have never negotiated what I would be paid before. Most of my jobs have just told me what the starting pay is and that’s that. Don’t like it? Don’t take the job. The last job I had I negotiated to have my benefits start earlier than what was standard practice for the organization, and they did work with me to find a solution, but because of unforeseen factors (me getting hospitalized between coverages and then having to resign my position) that turned out to be a total disaster, so I’m very wary of trying my hand at negotiation again. I have no leverage; I am a supplicant asking for employment not an equally powerful party who has a strong position to advance. I know that this is a mostly maladaptive strategy that I have learned to survive under late-stage capitalism with most of my wits and self-respect intact. A survival mechanism that has probably outlived its usefulness. It really makes me miss the short time that I was in a union. My local got us a fifteen percent raise during the last contract negotiation which is far more than I have ever gotten on my own. I spent just under three years at a job with absolutely no raises though I had never been disciplined or received a negative review during my time there. I should have either found another job or at the very least asked for a raise or an explanation as to why I was never given one.
Never again.
Let’s be honest, inertia might get the better of me again. I hope that I have learned to value myself and advocate better for me since I began my journey to be a recovery support specialist. I think that I am pretty good, even great at advocating for others, but I really need to put those skills together when it comes to me.
Update: I just received a text from the hospital group asking me if I had time to talk to them today about the position—I hope to hell that this is good news. Please, please, please. I texted them back: “Yes I do. Any time is fine.” Phew. I hope that I hear from them soon. The suspense has my stomach in knots. Between this anxiety, Ozempic, and Vyvanse I cannot eat a thing right now. Intellectually I know that it is time for a meal, but physically and psychologically I cannot make myself eat. Call me soon, please. Fingers crossed that I get the job.
I have a lot riding on getting this particular job. I have filled out fifty to sixty job applications since losing my job in late September and have had exactly two interviews. The first job required use of a personal vehicle, something that I do not have and do not see myself getting any time soon. Even if I had a car, driving people around in my own car seems like such a massive liability and really hard on said car. Thankfully, this job has zero driving. Yay!
Cue Tom Petty. . .
The waiting truly is the hardest part.
Update: I got offered the job! I signed the offer letter, and have begun the onboarding process. I start to work in three weeks. I am equally excited and relieved.
I will tell you more about the job very soon. Until then I hope that those who celebrate had and/or continue to have Happy Holidays! I had a little celebration* myself tonight—hooray!
*We ate the last of the cherry pie that I made for Christmas.
Thank you, as always, for reading.
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Reading the updates in real time was very dramatic - hooray for good news!
Congrats! Sounds like it will be difficult but good work.